I'm not Happy ( Rant )

Looks can be deceiving. I may be still smiling but I've been feeling like a huge pile of dung for the past week and I still am feeling horrible. No amount of makeup, chocolates, ice-cream, internet memes or shopping can save me like how it used to. I feel very destructive and I don't know how much longer I can hold this feeling in. All I just do is sleep more lately to get my head off of things. I used to think i'd die of diabetes someday, but I'm having doubts about it now. I might die of depression. God knows. I'll get professional help when I need it. The last time I felt bad, I did a rant and it made me feel all good again. Hopefully, ranting going to help me out again this time.

Why am I ranting? My hair is disgusting. It's not a "I need a spa day" rant, but I can't take it anymore. The colour of my hair is pure ugliness. It's black, brown and blonde in all the wrong ways. It even appears blue to some people, red and purple in some photos and even green! I need an even hair colour to make myself feel batter. I've been having this colour for almost half a year now and I didn't dye it because I've been having hair fall problems for a while ( It's getting better now ) and a friend of mine who works at a salon advised me not to dye my hair for at least a year. Well, screw that. It's either I dye it, I shave it or I get depression. This was in my head for quite some time now but it's only lately that it's starting to get to me.

Leave the hair aside for now, my car had problems. Something was wrong with the gear box. I didn't know until it was super obvious that Willy ( my car ) was wrong. I told my mom and she said it was the gear box. Willy had been making noises even before he got services ( which was a few months back ) and after he came back home, the noises were still there, so I thought it was normal. Turns out it wasn't so we got him fixed. I didn't have to pay for it neither do I know how much was it to fix him but I still feel bad for making him this "ill".

That's over now, the car's fixed. Right? Well, guess what? I met with my first accident. I was driving to the Main Place at night with mummy beside me and Alice and Avery were at the back. A car in front of us on the right lane bumped into a rock the size of a human head and the rock rolled to our lane. It was shiny and we all thought it was a plastic bag except for my mom who was shouting beside me. I bumped into it and got a flat tire. We got help from a car accessory shop nearby. They were kind enough to change it into the spare tire. We continues our journey to Main Place but I felt horrible once again. 

To make the crash worse, I was upset with my boyfriend that day. So upset that I didn't tell him a thing about the rock incident but instead, I posted the news on my FaceBook Timeline. I was mad with him a day before this happened because I felt ignores. Arrogant? I thought it was a mood swing so I got over it. He took the blame and I'm not happy with it but to stubborn to admit that it was my fault. He promised that it won't happen again.It happened again the next day. "Promise is a big word." That's what mad me so upset that I didn't tell him about something like the accident that happened. I couldn't sleep that night, I tried till midnight then I texted him. I told him how I felt and it felt like he didn't care. He didn't know why I was upset and he only replied the most six words in a sentence during the conversation. I was crying the whole time and all I wanted to do was get over it. I can't remember the last time I cried. I know he loves me but I'm feeling insecure. 

We made up in the end and he talked to me the next morning as if nothing had happen. I thought it was good to leave the past in the past but I still still frustrated and it showed. He knew I needed chocolates so he brought me some that evening ( even when he knew I was mad ). It was nice of him to do that even after I told him to "forget it". But it got worse. When he handed me the chocolates, he could tell it by my face that I'm sad but looked right at me like he doesn't know what happened. Does he? I felt even more insecure then and just walked away before I exploded..

The day after he gave me chocolates, we went out for a movie at night. I still felt just as bad and insecure. I asked if he knew about the crash with the rock, he said he knew about it. At that moment, the only thing in my mind was "Why didn't he ask me anything about it first?" He didn't even ask anything about the accident afterwards. How do I not feel insecure? I'm not as mad and upset as I was on "day 1" but I feel scared now.

Speaking of scared. I have this problem for years now: I can't save money. I've been living like a gypsy for the past eighteen years of my life! Leave alone the past, let's talk about now. I'm currently studying in college now. It's been three months. I have about four hundred buck to live on for every month. I notice now that it's barely enough for food and transportation. I drive myself to college but petrol, toll and parking fees are pretty expensive. I'm using up my own money that I was saving up on some expanses and it's all used up now. I was going to save up for a camera but guess I can forget about it now. If I were to save up money, that means that I have to cut off my social life and that means no more outings and I don't think I can live like that. I don't have the will power. When college ends in four years, I'll have to pay back the loan myself. What am I going to do? I need another job but I can't leave my current one. Weekend job? Wow. I'd be a working zombie.

So without any money, I can't change my phone too. I've been using an Xperia Sola since January 2013. Normally , the phones I use would only last up to a year then disaster strikes. This phone however, has been with me for one year and three months but it's by far the worse phone ever! It's my first and only smart phone but I can tell that it's not the normal "lag" most phones have. I've been seeing my phone lag in weird ways, solved it, dropped it into my toilet ( it was clean that time, chill ), fixed it myself but it's just so retarded that I was sacrifice it to throw it at someone I hate. Just looking at it makes my days even worse but I can't live without it.

That's pretty much what's been on my head for the past four days. I'm still a bit depressed. Did I forget to mention that the passengers on MH370 were announced dead? No, I didn't. But you've probably heard about it by now and maybe it's why I've been feeling so glum. Or maybe it's just PMS? Or am I getting old? The heck? I'm only nineteen. The important thing is that I feel better after getting this off my chest. It's only been four days but four days have never felt this slow. It's going to b Friday tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll be able to get rid of at least one problem: My hair.

If you're concerned about me, I'll let you know that I'm not going to go suicidal, do drugs, drink and get wasted or do anything silly. I'm depressed ( I think ), not dumb.

I'm still alive by the way. I saw this photo I took a few hours ago and realized how bad I was faking to be alright. Then I went KaBoom on my blog. Thanks for hearing me out.